A line in the sand

Yesterday I had my last ever actuarial interview. That's a promise. On the ferry into the city, I thought about all kinds of stuff, but mostly I thought about why I wasn't thinking about the interview. I felt a real sense of déjà vu; I'd been there before, several times. For no apparent reason the Pet Shop Boys song Let's Make Lots of Money was going round and round in my head. Outside the tower block was a 15-foot-tall snake-like sculpture made out of hollow metal. I got this sudden urge to want to climb it. If I had climbed it, what would anyone have done? I don't remember much about the interview, except that it couldn't end fast enough. Thankfully it was all over in forty minutes. I ran down Queen Street and caught the ferry with a minute to spare - normally I'd have happily waited half an hour for the next one, but I was desperate to get the hell out of the city. It felt good to have drawn a line in the sand.

The good news (potentially) is that an agency rang me this morning about a possible temp job with Auckland Council where I'd be working with large spreadsheets and databases. I'd be delighted if they gave me the job. If last year's earthquake work is anything to go by, getting the Council job would benefit me enormously. My mental health (which as I write is some way short of perfect) would likely improve, and a lot of other doors would open up for me. For one it'll make moving out of this flat easier (and now that it's been sold, I might have to).

Last week I read Simon Baron-Cohen's Autism and Asperger Syndrome - the Facts. There's a lot to take in; the brain is one hell of a complicated piece of kit. The link between Asperger's and depression is hardly a surprise. A recurring thought whenever I'm depressed is I don't fit in. People with Asperger's face a daily struggle to fit in. I answered the Autism Quotient (AQ) questionnaire at the back of the book, scoring 28 out of a possible 50 (the average bloke scores 17 while 80% of people on the autism spectrum score 32 or above). A high but not autistically high score is just about what I expected. I dislike (and am very bad at) planning and organising; that took a few points off my total. But maybe because I was never diagnosed as a kid, I came into contact with mainly neurotypical people so some of their traits might have rubbed off on me.

On Monday I spoke to Gran in her home, although she no longer knows where she is. She lives in a dreamworld. Since she went to hospital at the end of last year she's been in rapid decline. It's sad for someone who had such a brilliant mind to deteriorate like this, but that's old age I guess. I'm so glad I was able to see her last year; she might not have known whether it was New York or New Year, but she was still very much Gran as I remembered her. My dad flies out to the UK next Monday - I don't envy him one bit.

I've felt things get on top of me today. I really just need a good sleep.

Oh no

When I gave up actuarial work at the end of 2009 I really wanted to do something else with my life. Now it seems I'm being dragged back in that direction whether I like it or not. And I don't like it.

Actually ... what?

I'm training to be an actuary and have been for the last five years. Actuary, you ask? Actually, yes. Click here for some information on what an actuary actually does. When I tell people what I do for a living, they often imagine it's something to do with law. Or else they mishear completely: "you mean architecture?" or even better, "bows and arrows?" And of course most people have no idea, to which I normally reply by saying I have no idea either. Now I try to avoid the A-word altogether and just say I work in insurance.

To qualify as an actuary you have to pass rather a lot of exams. Fourteen of them in fact, and they don't get any easier. To give some idea of how hard they are, five possible grades are awarded, four of which (called FA, FB, FC and FD) are failing grades. After five years I've passed ten exams. I used to be very nervous on exam day and absolutely petrified when the results came out, whereas now, when I have serious doubts about where my career is heading or even whether I want a career at all, I take the whole thing much more in my stride. My current course is based around investments. A more logical choice would have been to sit the life insurance paper, but I chose investments instead mainly because I'd find the topic more interesting and of more use to me personally. The exam is on 4th May. I made a very slow start to my studies (when you're struggling to negotiate the supermarket, making any headway with Black-Scholes equations becomes impossible) though I've done a bit better of late.

Training as an actuary, it's possible to progress, financially at least, just by passing exams. Even though the exams are hard, they're a hell of a lot easier to get my head around than corporate politics. In fact the corporate world in general leaves me cold. I've got no intention of ever managing people. I find it hard enough to manage myself.

Yesterday I had tennis again. My two-year winning streak with Bazza came to an abrupt end. We were taken apart 6-2 6-2. They were simply too good for us. My mixed match was much closer, frustratingly so. I didn't hold out much hope to begin with because both my partner and I had been outplayed in our previous respective matches, but we started off well, leading 6-3 2-1, only to lose five of the next six games. In the third set we led 3-1 but again lost five games out of six and that was that. Though my unforced error rate was low, all the oomph had gone out of my shots. I used to be able to force the issue, hit harder, deeper, but all the confidence has somehow gone from my game. Overall the team lost 5-3 (we were only two points away from an overall win) though we still lead the competition.

I was very sluggish today and not feeling at my best. The swim I had this evening certainly helped matters, though as I lay in what was left of the sun, trying to dry off, I was trampled on by a dog. His name: Bazza.